Growing up, I’ve always had mixed feelings about myself. I mean, I still do today. I never thought I was pretty. I’ve been overweight my whole life which made me thing I was unattractive. I’ve also had this noticeable gap in my teeth that I felt people were constantly staring at. I didn’t smile for a long time because of it. Both my mom and grandmother both told me that my gap was too beautiful for me to just get braces. I just thought they didn’t care about me. My older brother had braces. On top of these two things I was just flat out awkward. I grew up with boys so I was too tom boyish to get along with most girls and I was too tom boyish for boys to find me appealing. This is something that went through my whole life.
I can honestly say that I didn’t have a real boyfriend until I graduated from high school. Looking back at it now (being 26 and all) I realize that doesn’t matter but back then I was pretty down about it. High school was the roughest. Seeing your friends flirting with people when you couldn’t, hanging with guys when you couldn’t, kissing guys when you couldn’t, made me feel very unsure of myself. No guys wanted anything to do with me and that actually bothered for me for a while. I just knew I was weird, unattractive, overweight and just overall awkward. I’ve had guys tell me these things too which was my confirmation. Sometimes I would just stay to myself so I wouldn’t have to worry about others talking about me.
When I got older it didn’t just get better like I had imaged it would. I’ve dealt with some toxic people in my life. From “friends” talking about me behind my back to men I dated constantly pointing out my flaws and taking advantage of my low self-esteem. I let guys treat and talk to me anyway because I didn’t think I could do better. One day I just knew I could do better. I’ve had friends talk to me, family members talk to me etc. I just had to walk and be alone for a while. That’s a lot of our biggest fears, being alone, but it was the best decision I made. I did a lot of soul searching. Once my confidence went up, the men followed.
I’ve had some really dark days. I grew up in a household where my father was bulimic so I thought maybe that was the route to go. That phase didn’t last long. I’ve also had thoughts of harming myself so I could just disappear. I was losing it. One day I prayed. I prayed for longer than I had ever before. That was the day I knew prayer worked (for me). I went to get baptized a month after that moment. After that I would just look in the mirror, had a pep talks with myself, and just deal with life. None of this was easy. It honestly took time. One day I just didn’t overthink things anymore. Now I smile without having that feeling that people are looking a judging me. I honestly didn’t care if they were.
Loving yourself is one of the hardest things we have to do in life. We often rely on others to love us like we desire, but that won’t ever work. No one can love you the way you need to love yourself. I often write down my good traits just as a constant reminder of what I have going for myself. Also, a lot of things we complain about is something we could actually change. One being our health. I started working out once I got older. You could get a personal trainer if you need that type of motivation. We live in a time where flaws is your biggest beauty point. Embrace what you were born with and others will follow along. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike