Random.

Have you ever had moment where you feel completely lost? Like you can’t imagine what’s going to happen next? I have them thoughts quite often and they scare me. I’ve always been scared of the future. I’m scared of everything not being what I dreamt it’ll be like when I was younger. I look at my life now and I have no regrets. I know that this is the path I was meant to have and I should never be disappointed in myself. I wasn’t always like this though. I’ve had some really dark days in my adult life for many different reasons. I’ve been unhappy with my job, unhappy with my relationships (friends, family, romantic etc.), unhappy with my image etc. I often felt worthless. I felt like a waste of space on earth. I felt like I wasn’t doing anything worth living at that was scary. I’ve had days where I’ve imaged how this world would be without me and in my mind, I didn’t make a difference. I’ve often wanted to do things that I didn’t think I qualified for. I never felt pretty, smart, felt like I was a nice size, or creative enough. I was completely lost. I didn’t fit in any category.

I found myself settling for a while. I wasn’t risky, ambitious, or spontaneous in any way shape or form. I didn’t think I qualified for anything better then what I had. I confused what I had with a “blessing”. I figure I should be “blessed” to have a job even though I hated it and I wasn’t getting what I know I deserve. We often confuse a fate with a learning experience. We think that’s what our life is supposed to be vs. seeing as an obstacle that we need to climb in order to make it to where we should be. We settle instead of having the drive to push forward. We’re often scared of risking things to follow our dreams. The older I got the more skeptical I was with following my dreams. I often felt I was “too old” to spend money on ideas that might not work.

The more I worked a dead end job the more I saw the light. I started meeting people in their 40s and 50s that were laid off from jobs they worked at for years. I started to realize that nothing was secure nor guaranteed.  I knew I didn’t want to be the person at my job for 15 years that got laid off because of budget cuts. I knew I wanted more. Taking the risk to invest in my dreams didn’t sound half bad. I started doing so and I recommend others to do the same. I still have dreams about how I want my life to be and I know that I won’t accomplish that with settling. We can’t predict our future but we can work towards making it what we desire. Those dark days had truly made me stronger. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

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