I posted a picture of myself on Instagram today and it make me think about how far I’ve came along with loving myself. I remember growing up not wanting to smile or even talk because of my gap tooth. I remember wearing baggy clothes because I was uncomfortable with my body. I often thought I looked funny and just ugly all together. This caused me to isolate myself and at times, even harm myself physically. I often saw girls around me with so much confidence and thought to myself that I wish I could be like that. I envied anyone that could love themselves like I thought I could never do. I found myself disliking anyone that thought highly of themselves. I felt bitter.
I did whatever I could to make myself feel beautiful, but none of it worked. I tried working out, eating healthier, changing how I dressed, even wearing makeup but I still felt the same way. I grew to realize that outer appearance didn’t matter if your heart didn’t feel like you looked. Confidence shines through. I was completely lost. I had no way to fix this issue I had battled with for so long. I was going crazy. I found myself alone, not calling or texting anyone, not going out, and just laying in bed all day. One day I just woke up, went to a new hair stylist and changed my look completely. I told her to cut off my hair. In the back of my mine I was thinking, “What hell are you doing??” but in my heart I felt like I was doing something I want. She did what I asked. That was the moment I gained my true confidence. I remember looking at myself in the mirror with the biggest grin on my face. I was a new Erika. Reborn. People all over gave me complements. I knew it was more than a haircut for me, it was a new beginning. I was more confident than ever. It was like this dark cloud that was weighing me down was lifted.
I tell you this story because I meet so many people that often talk down about themselves, but all I see is beauty. I can’t tell you what you need to gain confidence because we all are different, but I can tell you that what you need is still out there. You have to find it. Switching up what you do or pampering yourself more could help. We often get caught doing for others, worrying about what others think, and not thinking about ourselves. You have to be your biggest support system. You have to love the person you are because you can’t guaranteed someone else will. Find inner peace with yourself and the flock will follow. Like Spiritual Leader Sri Sri Ravi Shankar once said, “Find the love you seek, by first finding the love within yourself. Learn to rest in that place within you that is your true home”. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike