This short story was inspired by a phone conversation I had this morning. It’s crazy how someone so close to you can become so distance when you can’t provide for them anymore. I hope this motivates you all to do what’s best for you and not allow others to make you feel bad for taking care of yourself.
I spent majority of my life trying to make others happy. I always focused on others’ opinions and beliefs. I often stressed myself out because I didn’t want to disappoint my family and friends. I started to lose my identity. I didn’t know who I was, what I liked, and what I was into. Did it even matter? I often questioned myself. As long as the people around me were happy, then I should be happy, right? This caused me to make decisions that just didn’t make sense. I would often give people money that I didn’t really have to give. I would cancel things I wanted to do to spend time with a friend that was down. What I wanted to do did not matter and it was my fault. How could I blame anyone for me not having a backbone? How can I blame anyone for my bills not being paid because I made an irrational decision? Trying to satisfy others was pretty much ruining my life and I was allowing it.
Growing up, I saw my grandmother do so much for other people. When I was younger she would help everyone with everything and they loved her for it. Even deeper than that, they trusted her. I wanted people to trust me so I thought by following in her footsteps that I would get that, but it was more complicated than I thought. When I got older I saw how others treated her in a whole different light. People can actually be really manipulative and just flat out selfish. They took her for granted and often tried to make her feel bad for not being able to help. Some of them were ungrateful. Like her, I didn’t see that right off the bat. I didn’t think people close to me could manipulate me. I was wrong. A lot of my depression came from two things: 1. not making others happy like I desired and 2. Not taking care of myself mentally.
After hitting what seemed like rock bottom I became stronger. I learned how to say no and not regret it. I started doing whatever I want even if it meant doing it alone. I lost friends because of this too. at first I was bothered by it but later down the road I was happy they were gone. We don’t need any negative people in our lives. I’m still learning though. I do enjoy helping my love ones but I’m learning not to sacrifice my well-being to do so. I’m learning that you can’t feel bad for everyone. I’m learning to say NO. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike