I was going through a lot of pictures from my childhood and it made me pretty emotional. From my mom to my grandfather. Some deaths you can’t get pass. Growing up I always thought that only deaths from people you were constantly around would only effect you. I also thought that the pain wouldn’t last for that long. I was definably wrong. Over the years I leaned that it’s about the deaths that hit home that affects you.
My mom passed when I was about 19. It wasn’t easy. Still isn’t. I remember being really emotional for months on in. I only talked about her, I worried about my brothers and how they were affected by it. I didn’t know what to expect from life after that. Mainly because I didn’t expect to lose a parent so soon in life. It wasn’t that I depended on her. I just liked knowing that she was ok. That she was still breathing. That’s how I felt about both of my parents. They didn’t really raise me. They were around and I love them for what they were able to do. I worried about my dad more than anyone. That was someone he felt really close to. It was like he had lost his best friend. He hasn’t really been the same since.
Growing up, I always felt like the sibling in charge. Not financially but emotionally. I had to make sure they were straight even if it compromised my mental sometimes. I don’t have any hard feelings towards anyone for that. I knew someone had to be the stronger one. Death is hard to tackle on your own. This is when you should be there for others more than ever. Also, you have to have patience with people. It takes some of us longer to get passed these things than others. You can’t rush a healing process. Sometimes death brings other emotions like guilt, regret, love, hate etc. death is the beginning for some of us.
I often regretted how close I wasn’t to my mom and her family once she passed. Even now I don’t make it a habit to call my family like I should. After she passed I felt like I was isolating myself even more. I often felt like if I wasn’t really talking to anyone while she was living that they really didn’t want to have anything to do with me while she was gone. I made myself depressed because of this. No one never told me these things. I was in my head; something that’s hard to control when you lose someone. I often think about therapy. I still do, but I’m not ready for that just yet. It’s been over 10 years and I still feel like I’m healing from her loss. A small part of me is happy that I experienced this, mainly because when my friends go through these things I’m more understanding. When you’re going through something like this your first thought is that no one understands what you’re going through. I felt like that for years. Losing someone and getting passed it (or getting by) is something a lot of people aren’t able to do.
I’m telling my stories because I want my viewers to know that it’s ok to feel the way you feel. It’s ok for you to be upset when someone passes no matter what the relationship was. Only you can determine how important that person was to you and your life. If you know other people that have suffered from a loss you should try talking to that person about your situation. Those people tend to understand what you’re feeling the most. Lastly, therapy is there for a reason. It’s not for everyone I know, but when you feel like you have no one to talk to it’s a good way to talk your emotions out. It’s also a good way to figure out things about yourself that you didn’t know was an issue. Maybe your father passed and you weren’t that close but it has affected you a lot. Maybe therapy will get to the bottom of that. Don’t ever doubt something that you haven’t tried. Love you all and thank you for being the listening ear that, for a long time, I didn’t feel like I had. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike.