For the last year, I been trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life. Chapter 30 is rapidly coming and I don’t feel like I did much to show for it. It makes me disappointed when I think about it. I have a thing where I compare my accomplishments with others and view myself as a failure because of it. Sounds familiar? A lot of us do it. We get on social media, look at people we grew up with or people in our age bracket and think, “what am I doing wrong??” It’s a false way to live. For one, a lot of what you see on social media isn’t real. It’s getting so bad with false reality that people start to believe their lies they tell. That’s damaging to your mental. You start to believe that your reality isn’t appealing enough to portray on social media. Therefore, so many of us end up depressed. Also, we’re all not offered the same opportunities as others. We can’t beat ourselves up for that. Life is about beating adversity and gaining from it. Without a form of adversity, life would seem dull and confusing. Adversity gives your life the plot it needs to be a complete story. I believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes you’ll never figure out what that reason is and that’s OK.
This year, I realized that it was time to live for me. For my whole adult life up until this point, I did everything based off what my family would want. I was depressed because if this. I didn’t excel in school because I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t enjoy school because I wasn’t doing anything that I cared about. I was doing what I thought would make others happy and we should never do that. I often had a job but nothing that made me happy to go to work. I dread working. To be more specific, I dread working for other people. I don’t feel like my calling in life was to work in someone else’s dream. This following year, I wanted to work on being able to make money without relying on a job. I have a blueprint of what I would like to do I just need to test it out. It’s really exciting to know that I have an escape plan in the works. I wake up almost everyday and ask myself, “What am I doing? Is this REALLY what you want to do with your life? You know you deserve more right?” then I pray for guidance. My faith has kept me strong during this journey.
What I want you to gain by reading this is belief in your ability. I want you to know that only YOU must live YOUR life. Ask yourself the following questions:
1. Are you where you want to be in life at this age (financially)?
2. Are you doing what you dreamed you’ll be doing at this age?
3. Were your goals even realistic?
4. What does your family think about you? Do you care?
5. What do you need to accomplish to make yourself happy?
These are the questions I had to ask myself before I started my blueprint. I made a goal that I plan on accomplishing. I’m not at all close to fully discovering myself, but this start has truly brought so much joy to my heart. I want more. I deserve more and I will do anything for that. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
Hello everyone. I am back with another update and I hope you guys listen and enjoy. I’ve been going through some life changes that I am sharing with you guys in my post and I hope this inspire all of us to do things that we want to do out of life without worrying about starting over. I had to learn that sometimes it takes you multiple times to find your niche in life. Just because you started over doesn’t mean that you’re a failure. Please provide feedback and let me know exactly what you think about this post. I plan to post a lot more now that I have some more free time. I’m in a good space mentally so I think that would help me be more consistent. Love you all and enjoy!! #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
Hello guys ! I know it’s been a while but I made a recording for you all. Just letting you know that I’ll be coming back really soon and that I’m ok. Listen and enjoy. More than that, listen and understand ❤️ #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
Song : Wu- Tang Clan “Slow Blues – Instrumental ” from Wu- Tang Meets the Indie Culture Vol. 1 Instrumentals
One thing I’m learning about having all this time to myself is that I’m not 100% happy with me. I’ve worked so much in life that I forgot who I am. I find it hard to find hobbies for me to do or even things to watch on TV. I’m so used to going to work and going home and relaxing. I’m not used to having time to do things to make me happy and that’s what I’m searching for now. Going to the gym is ok sometimes, when I’m not making it a mandatory thing. I need to learn how to make things fun vs making everything a chore.
Writing has always been a passion of mine. For a long time, even now, I didn’t think I was good enough to be a writer. I have disabilities to hold me back from it but I’m learning now to embrace it and have fun with it. We often don’t enjoy doing things anymore because we feel like if we’re not perfect then we shouldn’t be doing that. It wasn’t until I started taking yoga that I learned perfection is a figment of my imagination. Not giving up takes strength.
Honestly giving up is a part of the process. Sometimes we give up things just to make a full circle and start back up where we left off. Writing is something I’ve done and gave up on so many times. One big reason why is because I listen to so many opinions and take them all to heart.
Your life and everyone else’s isn’t the same and, although we should value everyone’s opinion that we care about, you shouldn’t take them all to heart . You have to start living for you! Making decisions for yourself is a part of adulthood. The decisions you make only affects you . Some cases they can affect the people around you but sometimes you have to put you above all of that I think about what makes you happy. Remember this, nine times out of 10 people are thinking about themselves when they give you an opinion on what you should do. They never actually stepping your shoes .
Right now, I’m working for me. I’m enjoying my alone time by doing things I want to do, and making decisions my way. I’m being selfish right now. I love everyone around me but I’m really loving this alone time to figure out my life. A lot of things don’t make sense to me right now ,but I don’t expect it to . I’m trying not to overthink the process and dwell on my past. I love and appreciate all the support for my love ones. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
I was going through a lot of pictures from my childhood and it made me pretty emotional. From my mom to my grandfather. Some deaths you can’t get pass. Growing up I always thought that only deaths from people you were constantly around would only effect you. I also thought that the pain wouldn’t last for that long. I was definably wrong. Over the years I leaned that it’s about the deaths that hit home that affects you.
My mom passed when I was about 19. It wasn’t easy. Still isn’t. I remember being really emotional for months on in. I only talked about her, I worried about my brothers and how they were affected by it. I didn’t know what to expect from life after that. Mainly because I didn’t expect to lose a parent so soon in life. It wasn’t that I depended on her. I just liked knowing that she was ok. That she was still breathing. That’s how I felt about both of my parents. They didn’t really raise me. They were around and I love them for what they were able to do. I worried about my dad more than anyone. That was someone he felt really close to. It was like he had lost his best friend. He hasn’t really been the same since.
Growing up, I always felt like the sibling in charge. Not financially but emotionally. I had to make sure they were straight even if it compromised my mental sometimes. I don’t have any hard feelings towards anyone for that. I knew someone had to be the stronger one. Death is hard to tackle on your own. This is when you should be there for others more than ever. Also, you have to have patience with people. It takes some of us longer to get passed these things than others. You can’t rush a healing process. Sometimes death brings other emotions like guilt, regret, love, hate etc. death is the beginning for some of us.
I often regretted how close I wasn’t to my mom and her family once she passed. Even now I don’t make it a habit to call my family like I should. After she passed I felt like I was isolating myself even more. I often felt like if I wasn’t really talking to anyone while she was living that they really didn’t want to have anything to do with me while she was gone. I made myself depressed because of this. No one never told me these things. I was in my head; something that’s hard to control when you lose someone. I often think about therapy. I still do, but I’m not ready for that just yet. It’s been over 10 years and I still feel like I’m healing from her loss. A small part of me is happy that I experienced this, mainly because when my friends go through these things I’m more understanding. When you’re going through something like this your first thought is that no one understands what you’re going through. I felt like that for years. Losing someone and getting passed it (or getting by) is something a lot of people aren’t able to do.
I’m telling my stories because I want my viewers to know that it’s ok to feel the way you feel. It’s ok for you to be upset when someone passes no matter what the relationship was. Only you can determine how important that person was to you and your life. If you know other people that have suffered from a loss you should try talking to that person about your situation. Those people tend to understand what you’re feeling the most. Lastly, therapy is there for a reason. It’s not for everyone I know, but when you feel like you have no one to talk to it’s a good way to talk your emotions out. It’s also a good way to figure out things about yourself that you didn’t know was an issue. Maybe your father passed and you weren’t that close but it has affected you a lot. Maybe therapy will get to the bottom of that. Don’t ever doubt something that you haven’t tried. Love you all and thank you for being the listening ear that, for a long time, I didn’t feel like I had. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike.