Dealing with Death Part 1.

I was going through a lot of pictures from my childhood and it made me pretty emotional. From my mom to my grandfather. Some deaths you can’t get pass. Growing up I always thought that only deaths from people you were constantly around would only effect you. I also thought that the pain wouldn’t last for that long. I was definably wrong. Over the years I leaned that it’s about the deaths that hit home that affects you.
My mom passed when I was about 19. It wasn’t easy. Still isn’t. I remember being really emotional for months on in. I only talked about her, I worried about my brothers and how they were affected by it. I didn’t know what to expect from life after that. Mainly because I didn’t expect to lose a parent so soon in life. It wasn’t that I depended on her. I just liked knowing that she was ok. That she was still breathing. That’s how I felt about both of my parents. They didn’t really raise me. They were around and I love them for what they were able to do. I worried about my dad more than anyone. That was someone he felt really close to. It was like he had lost his best friend. He hasn’t really been the same since.
Growing up, I always felt like the sibling in charge. Not financially but emotionally. I had to make sure they were straight even if it compromised my mental sometimes. I don’t have any hard feelings towards anyone for that. I knew someone had to be the stronger one. Death is hard to tackle on your own. This is when you should be there for others more than ever. Also, you have to have patience with people. It takes some of us longer to get passed these things than others. You can’t rush a healing process. Sometimes death brings other emotions like guilt, regret, love, hate etc. death is the beginning for some of us.
I often regretted how close I wasn’t to my mom and her family once she passed. Even now I don’t make it a habit to call my family like I should. After she passed I felt like I was isolating myself even more. I often felt like if I wasn’t really talking to anyone while she was living that they really didn’t want to have anything to do with me while she was gone. I made myself depressed because of this. No one never told me these things. I was in my head; something that’s hard to control when you lose someone. I often think about therapy. I still do, but I’m not ready for that just yet. It’s been over 10 years and I still feel like I’m healing from her loss. A small part of me is happy that I experienced this, mainly because when my friends go through these things I’m more understanding. When you’re going through something like this your first thought is that no one understands what you’re going through. I felt like that for years. Losing someone and getting passed it (or getting by) is something a lot of people aren’t able to do.
I’m telling my stories because I want my viewers to know that it’s ok to feel the way you feel. It’s ok for you to be upset when someone passes no matter what the relationship was. Only you can determine how important that person was to you and your life. If you know other people that have suffered from a loss you should try talking to that person about your situation. Those people tend to understand what you’re feeling the most. Lastly, therapy is there for a reason. It’s not for everyone I know, but when you feel like you have no one to talk to it’s a good way to talk your emotions out. It’s also a good way to figure out things about yourself that you didn’t know was an issue. Maybe your father passed and you weren’t that close but it has affected you a lot. Maybe therapy will get to the bottom of that. Don’t ever doubt something that you haven’t tried. Love you all and thank you for being the listening ear that, for a long time, I didn’t feel like I had. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike.

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Keeping Everyone Posted.

Hey everyone. I recorded something so you guys know how I’m coming 2019. I really have a lot of things I want to do this year. Not just for myself, but for all of you and my love ones. Hopefully after you listen to my post you’ll become just as motivated as I am! Enjoy!! I have to work now haha… #Thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

P.S.: Music – KAYTRANADA “NOTHIN LIKE U / CHANCES” EP. It’s a 3 song EP (also includes 2 instrumentals). If you ever need suggestions on music I can always send you a playlist!!

NO is ok. (with audio)

Hey guys!! I know it’s been a while, but I’m working. I recorded something this morning that was on my mind. As much as I preach to be a great friend and to be example; I want you to also understand that it’s OK to say you can’t be that great friend. It’s OK to not be able to help someone sometimes. When you’re going through your own issues, it’s hard for you to help somebody resolve what they have going on. Don’t mentally drain yourself trying to save someone else. Do what you can and move forward. A real friend would understand. Often I have to tell myself that it’s OK to tell others what’s going on with ME. One of my biggest life struggles is coping with the fact that I can’t always be the strong friend. I’ve always had to be the person that had something positive to tell everyone. Mentally that could be draining especially when you’re suffering with depression. It’s almost like the blind leading the blind. I’ve had to learn over the years that sometimes you not saying anything is better than you saying what is on your mind. Sometimes your help is actually hinder. I just wanted to tell you guys it’s OK to not have all the answers and it’s OK to need someone yourself. When you’re the strong friend you often don’t have people to talk to. Tell your friends that you need them. Lastly, you could also go to therapy! When people hear the word therapy they think that that’s for crazy people or unstable people. Therapy can work for anyone that has real life problems like we all do. We all don’t have people we can just go back to and tell all our problems to. Get your mental straight before you try to help other people. ALWAYS be verbal with people. Let them know that you can’t do everything. No is right sometimes. #Thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

The Idea of Growth.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve came along way with my depression issues. Other days I feel like I’m exactly the same as before. I still have common traits of someone who severely suffers from Depression. My most common trait being the lack of drive to do anything. When I first started my blog, I was excited. I wanted to post every day and change lives. That drive was short lived. I come off as someone with so much ambition and confident but in all reality I have my ups and downs. I spend a lot of time thinking about isolating myself from everyone. Working on myself and growing on my own. No one understands what I go through mentally and I often feel like no one cares. I often feel like I take one step forward then something happens and knocks me two steps back. I think the fraud took a big toll on me. Mainly because I still haven’t fully bounce back from it.
I grew up in a household where my grandmother was the backbone of the family. I wanted to be just like her. She was a strong woman who everyone respected. One thing I learned about my grandma as I got older was that she wasn’t as strong as we saw her. She often had adversities but handled them on her own. She didn’t want to show a sign of weakness. I’m like her a lot when it comes to that. I would never tell you I’m struggling in any way, shape, or form. That’s not good. Sometimes you need help so you can figure out things faster. A lot of people complain when it comes to helping others, and I understand, but I view it as a positive thing. If people don’t ever need you or want you around then what’s your true purpose?
Growth requires communication. Having someone to talk to is key. A lot of us think we’re are strong enough to do things on our own. This is mainly because we’ve been forced to handle thing on our own. Isolation starts from lack of interaction from others. At a young age, kids pick and choose who they should and should not befriend. Who’s “weird” and who’s “normal”. A lot of them don’t grow out of that mind state. Which is why people fall into depression trying to make others happy and/or satisfied. Trying to buy things or go places that they can’t afford. Trying to earn money illegally because the jobs they qualify for isn’t something they would like to do. This is because of lack of growth. This is when working as a team is key. Two people from two different walks of life could be going through the same exact thing mentally. Whether you’re depressed because you’re struggling financially or depressed because you make a lot of money so you don’t know who your real friends or not, YOU’RE BOTH SUFFERING FROM THE SAME THING. We’re are more alike than we realize.
I been looking into places to have meetups and just panel discussions about different topics for different people from different walks of life to open up. Help one another by telling your story. Just because your upbringing was different doesn’t mean your mental state is. I think by constantly reminding myself that I still have time to grow and I need to associate myself with people I can open up to, will allow me to get over the hump that I’m struggling with. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

Bad Starts Lead to Happy Endings.

My year isn’t starting off as strong as I would have desired and I been pretty bummed about it. Staying positive has been helping me get through for the last few years, but there’s some bad people in this world that are waiting to take advantage of you. Here’s my story…

For the last few weeks I been applying for jobs and going on interviews. I hadn’t been successful. Either the job isn’t offering me what I desire or not contacting me back. It sucks to feel like you don’t deserve what you desire and that’s exactly how I felt. I was applying for jobs (per usual) and a man contacted me back. He saw my resume and seemed to be impressed. We did a phone interview and he told me to do some tasked for him while they’re remodeling his office. He told me he wanted to donate to some charities and work some events.  I was quite happy. I was making some extra money doing good for others. So I took the position and he sent me a check the next week to start on the first task.

The check was for about $4000. Honestly, at that point, I was a little nervous. No one has ever trusted me with that much money before. Hell, I wouldn’t trust anyone with that much either. I went to the bank to deposit the money and everything was fine. The next day while I was at Money gram he wanted me to send about $1100 to three separate people. Even though I was still a bit skeptical I did two of the three. After the first one I told him that it seemed a bit sketchy and he talked me through it. My heart wouldn’t do the third one. My observation was right because right when I got to my job the bank had frozen my account. They told me that they were investigating my account and the check may be fraudulent. So I called him and told him about it. He wanted me to deposit the rest of the money in an unknown account and in that moment I knew I should had went with my heart. I felt so dumb, I still do. Now my account is overdrawn about $2000.

I learned three lessons from this situation:

  1. LISTEN TO YOUR FIRST MIND. We often listen to others and not to ourselves. Trust what you feel and do what makes YOU comfortable. Money is important to live but don’t make irrational decisions chasing it. If something feels sketchy don’t go through with it.
  2. DON’T BEAT YOUSELF UP FOR MAKING A BAD DECISION. This was a hard one for me. I still think of how dumb I was for falling for such a scam. This is not my fault. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. There are bad people in this world that will take advantage of you. They know you need something whether its money, a job, or just a desire to do something good in this world. You can’t blame yourself for seeing an opportunity that would work for you and taking it. Work on getting pass it instead of dwelling on it.
  3. CHECK ON ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS, INCLUDING THE “STRONG” FRIEND. This is an IMPORTANT factor for not just the victim, but for the victim’s family and friends. We all need someone to talk to, even that friend that comes off like nothing is ever wrong. As a friend learn how to ask if someone is ok. Don’t assume because someone is smiling or quiet that they’re fine. I’ve always tried to be that person that would hold others up. I never like to randomly call people and just tell them my problems. My own boyfriend doesn’t know that this incident above happened to me. This is why it’s important to just ask, “How are you?” or “what’s been going on with you? Are you ok?” which by the way he does. It is also important for you to ACTUALY express what’s going on. You can’t heal by staying in the dark and you don’t know what might change by telling someone else. When I told my friend Kim about my situation she told me a story about another friend that had went through something similar and how they got through it. I gained not only knowledge about it but I gained confidence that I’ll get passed it.

I hope by reading this post that you’ll allow yourself to be open with your friend. Also, I hope you allow yourself to be a listener to people in need. Relationships (any kind) is a TEAM effort and there’s no I in Team. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike