Worth (Snippet)

Hey everyone! I know I been gone for a minute. I was doing a lot of reflecting and writing. I’m working on myself. What makes me feel valuable and overall, what makes me happy. When I recorded the piece below I was thinking a lot about how, for a very long time, I was lost. I was lost trying to figure out who I was, what I was into, and what I wanted to do with my life. If you asked me just 2 years ago what I wanted to do with my life I wouldn’t have had any idea. Hell, you could ask me what were my hobbies and I couldn’t tell you. I wasn’t my own person. I spent majority of my life doing what others liked. Their hobbies had became my hobbies. I was a follower and very far from becoming a leader. I can say now I’m leading more than I ever imagined. I do what I like without worrying about judgement and I don’t let others tell me what’s cool or not. I’m the person I’ve always wanted to be. Worth is something I wanted to touch on briefly because I often hear people say comments like “I’m replaceable” and “you’ll do better without me”. I use to say them too. One thing I had to learn is that everyone is unique. A company can get another person to fill your position but they won’t be you. Your ex can get someone else but they won’t do what you did. Remember you’re not replaceable like some kind of robot, others are just feeling a spot so they won’t have emptiness in their life.


Music: “Rosebuds” – Erick the Architect ( Flatbush Zombies) ; Off his Instrumental Project, “  Arcstrumentals, Vol. 2” 2018.


The Idea of Growth.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve came along way with my depression issues. Other days I feel like I’m exactly the same as before. I still have common traits of someone who severely suffers from Depression. My most common trait being the lack of drive to do anything. When I first started my blog, I was excited. I wanted to post every day and change lives. That drive was short lived. I come off as someone with so much ambition and confident but in all reality I have my ups and downs. I spend a lot of time thinking about isolating myself from everyone. Working on myself and growing on my own. No one understands what I go through mentally and I often feel like no one cares. I often feel like I take one step forward then something happens and knocks me two steps back. I think the fraud took a big toll on me. Mainly because I still haven’t fully bounce back from it.
I grew up in a household where my grandmother was the backbone of the family. I wanted to be just like her. She was a strong woman who everyone respected. One thing I learned about my grandma as I got older was that she wasn’t as strong as we saw her. She often had adversities but handled them on her own. She didn’t want to show a sign of weakness. I’m like her a lot when it comes to that. I would never tell you I’m struggling in any way, shape, or form. That’s not good. Sometimes you need help so you can figure out things faster. A lot of people complain when it comes to helping others, and I understand, but I view it as a positive thing. If people don’t ever need you or want you around then what’s your true purpose?
Growth requires communication. Having someone to talk to is key. A lot of us think we’re are strong enough to do things on our own. This is mainly because we’ve been forced to handle thing on our own. Isolation starts from lack of interaction from others. At a young age, kids pick and choose who they should and should not befriend. Who’s “weird” and who’s “normal”. A lot of them don’t grow out of that mind state. Which is why people fall into depression trying to make others happy and/or satisfied. Trying to buy things or go places that they can’t afford. Trying to earn money illegally because the jobs they qualify for isn’t something they would like to do. This is because of lack of growth. This is when working as a team is key. Two people from two different walks of life could be going through the same exact thing mentally. Whether you’re depressed because you’re struggling financially or depressed because you make a lot of money so you don’t know who your real friends or not, YOU’RE BOTH SUFFERING FROM THE SAME THING. We’re are more alike than we realize.
I been looking into places to have meetups and just panel discussions about different topics for different people from different walks of life to open up. Help one another by telling your story. Just because your upbringing was different doesn’t mean your mental state is. I think by constantly reminding myself that I still have time to grow and I need to associate myself with people I can open up to, will allow me to get over the hump that I’m struggling with. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

Overwhelmed with Joy. (Appreciation Post)

Wow, I didn’t think posting an audio post would do so well, but it’s my best performing post yet! Growing up I wasn’t much of a talker. This was mainly because I was both shy and insecure. My gap tooth was always my biggest insecurity. I would hate reading out loud and when I did, I would mumble and stutter because of my nerves. For two years, I was put in a reading development class because they thought I struggled with reading. The teacher knew I could read she also knew I struggled with communicating with others. I was so awkward. I had trouble making friends because I was uncomfortable with talking to strangers. Most of my close friends growing up was my family.

Ironically, when I started college, I decided to major in Speech Communications. I learned a lot about public speaking and working in groups. It was life changing. I always wrote a lot so blogging was my fate I feel. I met a guy about two years ago and he asked me what I thought about radio or podcasting. I laughed. I told him I wasn’t built for anything like that. He was confused but I was very serious. I was still insecure about my public speaking abilities. The idea was cool, but I didn’t have confidence in myself to make that move.

My boyfriend and I for the longest talked about me getting a microphone. I went back and forth with the idea. It was the only way I could face my fear of speaking to others. One day I just made the purchase. Cool, but what was next? I literally stared at the box for weeks until I decided to try it out for the first time. Once I did I was mind blown. I instantly got comfortable. I didn’t know exactly what I should do with my microphone, then just two nights ago, I thought “why not record segments on your blog?” and here we are. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is one of my biggest accomplishment over the course of my life and thank you all for embracing it. Love you all and I’ll continue to use my voice to help other. If you struggle with this, you can grow out of it. Stuff takes time. I’m 27 now and I just got comfortable with the idea of networking. Let life take its course. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

Growing Out of Relationships (Audio)

We often cherish the friends we’ve had since we were kids. It’s not often we keep in touch with people that we went to grade school with. It’s almost like an accomplishment. Over the years, we’ve change physically, mentally and even spiritually. In my opinion, there’s no way you could be the same exact person you were ten years ago. While most of us mature and grow over the course of life, some of us just don’t. We all have a friend or two that comes off as the same as when we first met them (flaws and all). Now ask yourself, is that necessarily a good thing or do we just make it ok? We would argue that we knew who that person was when we met them and we shouldn’t expect them to change, BUT do that mean we are obligated to still deal with them? Here’s a short audio clip I recorded on my thoughts about these situations. Enjoy! #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

Happy New Year.

We’re already four days into the New Year and I’m ready to get the ball rolling on my life. The last few weeks was a bit of a roller coaster, but I managed to make it through. I don’t believe in resolutions like most, but I do believe in setting goals for yourself. I know they seem the same, but it’s not. My goals have been the same for years. Each year I’ve gotten closer and closer to them. I don’t have a timeline on when I would like them done, but each year my grind becomes more and more resilient. I don’t just work to make sure I’m good. I work to make sure that my love ones are solid too. Everything isn’t always about you. Life is about balance.

This year isn’t anything special. Nothing about this year is any different than the last, but each New Year is clean slate. I look back at 2017, see the mistakes I’ve made, and try to learn from them. Each year I start to love myself more and more. The mistakes remind me that I’m human. We often dwell on them and let them get in our heads, but there’s nothing wrong with making mistakes. There’s nothing wrong with making a few bad decisions in the course of your life. It’s about the knowledge you gain from things. This year, like every other year, is about growth.

A few posts back I wrote about taking a leap of faith. Consider it. If you don’t take risk in life then you’ll life will always be the same. Are you really happy with the life you live now or would you like more for yourself? We often settle for what we have because it’s familiar. The life we have now is convenient and we don’t want to complicate anything. You’re complicating your life by doing nothing. The longer you stay in a routine they harder it is to break that cycle. I was talking to the girl last week about writing. She told me it was too late for her to pursue her dreams of writing books and she needs to stay working at the job she’s at. She had been there 3 years, working hard for a promotion she hasn’t gotten yet. She was 31 and had gave up on her dreams of writing books. She rather work for someone then create her own wave for herself. Honestly, I was disappointed.

Like that girl, I too have felt like I should give up on my dreams too. The old me felt like I didn’t have the time (or money) to pursue anything on my own. Even deeper than that, I didn’t have the confidence to try entrepreneurship. It took a lot of hard work and dedication to start something up for yourself. I thought it was just easier to find a company and work for them. You won’t be held accountable for any major decisions. Then I really thought about it. I was never happy working for someone else. I never liked doing the kind of work I been doing and I think I’m more valuable than these companies treat me. I was often told that I was smarter than the position I was working and people was right. You’re never too old to follow your dreams. This year dedicate your time into doing something you love. Don’t give up on your dreams because you feel old or people around you don’t support like you desire. Take that leap you’ve been wanting to for years. Change your life cycle and watch you growth. You can’t grow without planting new seeds and nourishing them. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike