It’s been three days since being laid off; Maybe four… The days just seem way longer. I’ve been working since I was 17. No long-term breaks, just vacations and mental days. It’s the weekend now and although I didn’t work on weekends, I still feel like I need to grind. The weekend doesn’t feel the same without a job. It all feels like wasted time, like I should be out here searching for something. My friends and family keep telling me to use this time to rest, but my mind won’t allow me to. My mind is constantly trying to figure things out, constantly trying to solve things. People that don’t know or understand me doesn’t know how this is affecting me. People don’t know how hard I work; how hard I grind. People see me as a woman, with no kids with potential to do great things. This may be true but right now I only see a failure.
I’m fully aware that I’m being hard on myself; It’s almost unhealthy. I just don’t like getting comfortable with being down. I try to be up as long as time will allow me to be. This transition is normal to people but for me, it feels very foreign; like my life shouldn’t be like this. As much as I try to tell myself that everything is going to be fine, it doesn’t feel like it right now. My situation is different than a lot of people that has been laid off. I actually have others that were let go with me. As bad as this sounds, it makes me feel better knowing I wasn’t alone. I know that being laid off wasn’t my fault. This also makes me sad because I often worry about the others. I know if I feel down and out then some might feel the same if not, worse. I carry too much on my shoulders and its weighing me down.
The most important part about this situation is the amount of support and compassion others have shown. I honestly think that without my love ones I would be really down. The compassion has given me motivation. You never know what being nice does for others. A friend called me yesterday to ask how I was. I usually just say “I’m good, and you?” but I wasn’t good. Sometimes you really need to tell others how you’re actually feeling so you can get the help you need. I never been the one to tell people my true thoughts and feelings. I never think people actually cared. I was wrong. You’ll be surprised how many people ACTUALLY care. I have to learn that fully. I never want to be a burden on others so I hold a lot in. That’s a toxic trait. It’s toxic towards yourself. You hurt yourself when you don’t express your feelings. I won’t even get into what that could do for your loved ones. Sometimes trying to do things on your own or holding issues in can rob you of your own happiness.
Writing is my favorite hobby. It’ll keep me busy until I find my new journey. I’m more motivated than ever to share my story. I was embarrassed at first, but now I know that others may need my story more then I need to keep it a secret. Being in a healthy mind state is being open. You can’t heal if you’re not open to help. You can’t figure out everything by yourself. This I something I’m learning daily. I hope you’re reading this and realizing that talking to your friends helps. Thank you for allowing me to be open. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
I was going through a lot of pictures from my childhood and it made me pretty emotional. From my mom to my grandfather. Some deaths you can’t get pass. Growing up I always thought that only deaths from people you were constantly around would only effect you. I also thought that the pain wouldn’t last for that long. I was definably wrong. Over the years I leaned that it’s about the deaths that hit home that affects you.
My mom passed when I was about 19. It wasn’t easy. Still isn’t. I remember being really emotional for months on in. I only talked about her, I worried about my brothers and how they were affected by it. I didn’t know what to expect from life after that. Mainly because I didn’t expect to lose a parent so soon in life. It wasn’t that I depended on her. I just liked knowing that she was ok. That she was still breathing. That’s how I felt about both of my parents. They didn’t really raise me. They were around and I love them for what they were able to do. I worried about my dad more than anyone. That was someone he felt really close to. It was like he had lost his best friend. He hasn’t really been the same since.
Growing up, I always felt like the sibling in charge. Not financially but emotionally. I had to make sure they were straight even if it compromised my mental sometimes. I don’t have any hard feelings towards anyone for that. I knew someone had to be the stronger one. Death is hard to tackle on your own. This is when you should be there for others more than ever. Also, you have to have patience with people. It takes some of us longer to get passed these things than others. You can’t rush a healing process. Sometimes death brings other emotions like guilt, regret, love, hate etc. death is the beginning for some of us.
I often regretted how close I wasn’t to my mom and her family once she passed. Even now I don’t make it a habit to call my family like I should. After she passed I felt like I was isolating myself even more. I often felt like if I wasn’t really talking to anyone while she was living that they really didn’t want to have anything to do with me while she was gone. I made myself depressed because of this. No one never told me these things. I was in my head; something that’s hard to control when you lose someone. I often think about therapy. I still do, but I’m not ready for that just yet. It’s been over 10 years and I still feel like I’m healing from her loss. A small part of me is happy that I experienced this, mainly because when my friends go through these things I’m more understanding. When you’re going through something like this your first thought is that no one understands what you’re going through. I felt like that for years. Losing someone and getting passed it (or getting by) is something a lot of people aren’t able to do.
I’m telling my stories because I want my viewers to know that it’s ok to feel the way you feel. It’s ok for you to be upset when someone passes no matter what the relationship was. Only you can determine how important that person was to you and your life. If you know other people that have suffered from a loss you should try talking to that person about your situation. Those people tend to understand what you’re feeling the most. Lastly, therapy is there for a reason. It’s not for everyone I know, but when you feel like you have no one to talk to it’s a good way to talk your emotions out. It’s also a good way to figure out things about yourself that you didn’t know was an issue. Maybe your father passed and you weren’t that close but it has affected you a lot. Maybe therapy will get to the bottom of that. Don’t ever doubt something that you haven’t tried. Love you all and thank you for being the listening ear that, for a long time, I didn’t feel like I had. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike.
Hey everyone. I recorded something so you guys know how I’m coming 2019. I really have a lot of things I want to do this year. Not just for myself, but for all of you and my love ones. Hopefully after you listen to my post you’ll become just as motivated as I am! Enjoy!! I have to work now haha… #Thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
P.S.: Music – KAYTRANADA “NOTHIN LIKE U / CHANCES” EP. It’s a 3 song EP (also includes 2 instrumentals). If you ever need suggestions on music I can always send you a playlist!!
Hello everyone. Yes, I know, it’s been a while. A lot has been going on. Time has not been on my side and at some point, I lost my motivation to do anything. As I get older I realize that life is a roller coaster. You can have so many ups and downs in such a short period of time. My mind slipped a few times because of this. A lot of days were rough. Mostly mentally. I would have a weird mood waking up and it would stick with me for the whole day. I can’t really explain what this mood is; I just know it had my mind state negative. Have you felt that way? When I told my grandmother about this feeling she said, “Everyone has those days. Some more than others.” So I assume we all do.
This year I want to live life to the fullest. I want to set a tone now for my future. I want something to show for my hard work. I think in the past I never celebrated anything I would do. I was just going day by day. Everything was “normal” to me. Nothing I did meant anything special to me. This year I want to do things differently. I’m treating myself. Self-care is REALLY important. I want to take care of me, my mental. I want to look in the mirror and not only love who I’m staring back at physically but I want to be happy for the person I’m becoming. I also want to take care of me. More doctor visits, gym/ hiking outings and more healthy eating habits. Take care of my foundation. I’m realizing that ERIKA is a collective not in individual.
We as a COLLECTIVE is realizing that you are more than you. You’re a worker, a family member, a parent etc. You are powerful. You mean something. You’re a piece of a foundation. This isn’t me putting pressure on anyone. This is me simply telling you that you are something. Every time I feel like I’m no one special I have to remind myself of this. Without you, something and/ or even someone won’t operate right. Thoughts like this motivate me to push through. My goals when I created my blog was to get my thoughts out and to give my audience a voice. Not only a voice but an ear to listen and even a shoulder to lean on. Last year I had quite a few people express to me how my blog is making an impact. Encouraging words are always great.
New Year, same me. I’m not changing. I’m just growing. I’m being a better me. A more motivated me. A more spiritual me. A more confident me. A more positive me. I’ve grown to realize being me makes ME happy. Being something I’m not only misguides me. It makes you lost. That’s not a feeling I don’t want to have anymore. I want to do the things I enjoy and I want to spread love to my foundation. I want to be a great me. I want to support my love ones in their endeavors. I want to make new friends and cherish the ones I already have. I want this New Year to be filled with positivity. I’m motivated this year and I can’t wait to take you all on this journey! #Thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
First and foremost, happy birthday! This is the day that you were brought in the world and I’ll always celebrate that. You’re the reason I’m here. I still miss you . You’re like a best friend to me . I could tell you anything without judgement. I miss that. It’s a trait that’s hard to find in people. Last year was a long year, but I made it through. I work a lot. I enjoy staying busy as you know. Like you told me before, I’m enjoying my money I make and I’m also saving . This has been my first full year I only worked One job and I’m proud of myself. I also have a new boyfriend. He’s such a great guy. You’d love him. He’s a Scorpio like me. You know I love scorpios lol. He treats me like he should, I definitely know my worth now. I know I told you before about having kids before 30 but my life journey has changed since I told you that. I’m perfectly fine with waiting til after 30. I’m 27 and I’m just discovering myself . I’m perfectly fine with that and I know you would be too. I think I might have found my life partner. He makes me see life in a different light. I’ve definitely grown since being with him. I thank God for him .
Last year was the year of forgiveness and growth. I was going through a lot mentally. I took off from school because my head wasn’t in the game. I promise you that’ll go back. I want to be focus when I do so. I like the work I do but I want more . I deserve more. I work really hard. I want to make you proud even though you always told me no matter what I do you’ll be proud . I’m coming out of my shell too. My boyfriend Djs and I manage him. When he first asked me I was nervous but after booking him I realized that I enjoyed doing that kind of work. Fashion and music have both been something I loved and I thank God I’m working in both. I also have a blog now. You know I love writing. I share my stories about me dealing with depression and I been getting great feedback. I can’t believe I could reach others and make them feel comfortable enough to tell me things that they went through. It’s a great movement. Malik was concerned at first when he saw my blog but now he embraces it. He miss you too. He grieves differently. He’s not comfortable enough with visiting you yet and I understand. He’ll get there. I know it shocks you that me and him are so close . We couldn’t stand each other lol. We have a lot of similarities and love for each other and our relationship grew because of this. Derick and I too. He’s more to himself than us but he’s opening up and I love it. I love my brothers . I haven’t seen Semaj recently but I do love him just as much as my other brothers. You have great kids . You did good. My grandmother raised me like you wanted and I thank you both for everything. I have so much more to say but I’ll save it for a later time. I love you always and I can’t wait to see you again. I’m enjoying my time down here so hopefully not soon but when God is ready I will be too ❤️