Toxic Audio.

Hey guys!! I recorded this piece because I wanted to let you know that it’s ok to let people go. This will be a series. I often tell people that you are who you hang out with. If you want to be a positive person, than you have to surround yourself with positive people. You can’t move forward holding on to relationships that drag you down.
I know first-hand how it is to let go of a friendship with someone that you’ve been friends with for a long time. When I was friends with her, I found myself mentally drained. For one, when she would tell me things she would do or say to others, I would often be disappointed and even disgusted in her actions. I wouldn’t do most things she was into, but I, as a friend, accepted her for who I perceived her to be. Two, I often found myself getting in arguments with people justifying her character. I believed in my heart she was a good person. I was so focused on the friend she use to be that I didn’t realized that she had changed for the worst. Once I snapped into my senses, I had to let her go. It was harder than any breakup I’ve went through but also more cleansing. It was a big weight lifted of my shoulders. I’m telling you this story so you can see that it’s not just me being judgmental. It’s me growing.

I would like to have an open discussion about this topic. Let me know what you thing and ways you handle toxic people in your life. We can agree to disagree.

Music: “Cozy in Bloom” (Album) 2018. By: Cozy Collective
If I had to recommend a couple of songs from this project it would be “Take me there” & “Dream”. Enjoy! #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

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Random. (Hey Guys)

Sometimes I forget about taking care of myself. I always get caught up with helping everyone accomplish what they want out of life. I don’t expect everyone to be like how I am either. People are going to be selfish and let you put your dreams on the back burner if you let them. Not just anyone, but some of the people you’re really close to….
Yesterday I was thinking about the stuff I’ve done this year and realized that none of it truly benefited me. I been working on others’ goals and my dreams were getting lost. In the mist of this, I forgot what it was that I actually wanted to accomplish. I often forget because I want my love ones to succeed. Writing was my first love, reading being close second. It often calms me and could never do anything to hurt me. I realized today that putting them two on the back burner is why I’m never truly happy. I can’t ever express myself properly because I’m over shadowed by others hopes and dreams.
When I decided to write a few things today, I was really calm. I was in my element and I felt good about it. I remembered why I decided to blog in the first place. I wanted to express myself in a way that others, who related, would be comfortable enough to express themselves too. I often tell my peers to start something, whether it’s a business, a blog, YouTube channel etc. Have something for you created by you; something that you can make how you’ll like. Self-expression is important when trying to keep your sanity.
I love being around others. I love doing what others like and learning something new. I love seeing people get out their comfort zones and expressing themselves. It’s time I expect others to give me that same energy. We’re not working as a team if everything is one sided. I’m done settling. I’m done sitting on the sideline while others accomplish their goals. I love and support my love ones, but I have to do what’s best for me. I can’t isolate my dreams anymore. We have to support our peers as well as do what we want to be happy. It’s all about balance. Once you learn that, then you’ll gain the real happiness you’ve been seeking. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

Bad Starts Lead to Happy Endings.

My year isn’t starting off as strong as I would have desired and I been pretty bummed about it. Staying positive has been helping me get through for the last few years, but there’s some bad people in this world that are waiting to take advantage of you. Here’s my story…

For the last few weeks I been applying for jobs and going on interviews. I hadn’t been successful. Either the job isn’t offering me what I desire or not contacting me back. It sucks to feel like you don’t deserve what you desire and that’s exactly how I felt. I was applying for jobs (per usual) and a man contacted me back. He saw my resume and seemed to be impressed. We did a phone interview and he told me to do some tasked for him while they’re remodeling his office. He told me he wanted to donate to some charities and work some events.  I was quite happy. I was making some extra money doing good for others. So I took the position and he sent me a check the next week to start on the first task.

The check was for about $4000. Honestly, at that point, I was a little nervous. No one has ever trusted me with that much money before. Hell, I wouldn’t trust anyone with that much either. I went to the bank to deposit the money and everything was fine. The next day while I was at Money gram he wanted me to send about $1100 to three separate people. Even though I was still a bit skeptical I did two of the three. After the first one I told him that it seemed a bit sketchy and he talked me through it. My heart wouldn’t do the third one. My observation was right because right when I got to my job the bank had frozen my account. They told me that they were investigating my account and the check may be fraudulent. So I called him and told him about it. He wanted me to deposit the rest of the money in an unknown account and in that moment I knew I should had went with my heart. I felt so dumb, I still do. Now my account is overdrawn about $2000.

I learned three lessons from this situation:

  1. LISTEN TO YOUR FIRST MIND. We often listen to others and not to ourselves. Trust what you feel and do what makes YOU comfortable. Money is important to live but don’t make irrational decisions chasing it. If something feels sketchy don’t go through with it.
  2. DON’T BEAT YOUSELF UP FOR MAKING A BAD DECISION. This was a hard one for me. I still think of how dumb I was for falling for such a scam. This is not my fault. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. There are bad people in this world that will take advantage of you. They know you need something whether its money, a job, or just a desire to do something good in this world. You can’t blame yourself for seeing an opportunity that would work for you and taking it. Work on getting pass it instead of dwelling on it.
  3. CHECK ON ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS, INCLUDING THE “STRONG” FRIEND. This is an IMPORTANT factor for not just the victim, but for the victim’s family and friends. We all need someone to talk to, even that friend that comes off like nothing is ever wrong. As a friend learn how to ask if someone is ok. Don’t assume because someone is smiling or quiet that they’re fine. I’ve always tried to be that person that would hold others up. I never like to randomly call people and just tell them my problems. My own boyfriend doesn’t know that this incident above happened to me. This is why it’s important to just ask, “How are you?” or “what’s been going on with you? Are you ok?” which by the way he does. It is also important for you to ACTUALY express what’s going on. You can’t heal by staying in the dark and you don’t know what might change by telling someone else. When I told my friend Kim about my situation she told me a story about another friend that had went through something similar and how they got through it. I gained not only knowledge about it but I gained confidence that I’ll get passed it.

I hope by reading this post that you’ll allow yourself to be open with your friend. Also, I hope you allow yourself to be a listener to people in need. Relationships (any kind) is a TEAM effort and there’s no I in Team. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

Holiday Season.

Christmas is next week and I’m pretty excited. This was my first holiday season in I don’t know how long that I only worked one job. Financially, it was difficult for me. I’m so use to buying people the gifts I want and having money left over for me. That wasn’t the case. I’ve did all my shopping, paid all my bills, and only have money left over for food and travel (to work, etc.). The thought of this honestly made me quite sad at first. Then I saw the bigger picture. Last year I worked 60 hours a week and had school. I got extremely sick to the point that I couldn’t physically make it into work. I realized then that my health was more important than some gifts.

The gift situation wasn’t the only thing difficult about this year for me. This was the first year without my grandfather. I’d always looked forward to buying him something, giving it to him, and watching his face light up with joy. He liked everything I bought him and even bigger than that, he appreciated anything someone did for him. He was one of the most humble people I knew. Just talking about him now makes me emotional. Even though for the last few month he wasn’t fully responsive, the energy around the house was still different. I’m still use to getting ready for work and going to talk to him before I walk out the door. Even though he didn’t talk back, I felt his energy. With him not here I notice my grandmother’s mood being quite different too. The other day she told me about the holiday parties they thrown for years. She finished the story telling me how much she missed him. It’s not easy for me to see her sad, but I couldn’t imagine how it must feel to lose your husband of 54 years.

My grandmother and I have been really close this past month. We been helping each other get through this tough holiday season. From shopping together, to decorating and even going out to eat together. Most importantly, we pray together. We make sure that we both stay grounded and stress free. Things are easier with a team. Without her, I don’t know how I would have gotten through this month. I admire her strength. I admire her intelligence and I admire her ability to be honest with herself. She’s not afraid of telling you how she feels. She told me that if I’m ever hurting inside that I NEED to express it no matter what. She always believed that most people die because they’re going through things physically and emotionally by themselves without getting help. I agree. I know from personal experience that keeping stuff inside can be draining. She watched some of her close friends pass with secrets. Whether it was relationship issues or sickness.

This season connect with a love one. Help someone out. This is a difficult time for a lot of people for both of the reasons I expressed earlier. If we help one another we can accomplish a whole lot more. We’re all different. Me personally I believe in prayer and team work. Find what works for you. My grandmother always told me that depression comes from self-isolation. Expressing yourself to your peers without worrying about judgement is key. Listening to your love ones express their feelings without judgement is key.  The best gift you could give yourself is integrity. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

Toxic Relationships.

 

For the last few days I’ve been celebrating my birthday as well as networking. For those who are new to checking out my blog I would like to start off by saying welcome. I hope my thoughts are not only informative, but also inspiring. My overall goal for my blog is for us to be aware of mental illness, and for us to work together to overcome it the best way possible. For those who been tuning in since day one I want to say thank you. I really hope that my blog is relatable is some way shape or form. I’m getting pretty mushy so back to the scheduled program haha…

 

Toxic relationships are one of the hardest things to not only deal with, but to overcome. A lot of toxic relationships start early with your parents. Whether it’s abuse (both mentally and physically), lack of support, or just overall neglect we tend to be effected by this in a big way. When I was growing up, I had a pretty decent relationship with my parents. My dad and I did clash for a long time. We didn’t see eye to eye on a lot, mainly because I was his only daughter and he was really strict on me. I often felt lonely because I couldn’t do things with my friends. On top of that, I was often neglected. Both my brothers played sports, so they often were away. My grandparents, who I stayed with, worked a lot. I often sat in my room crying because I didn’t have anymore. I was two completely different people when I was at school and at home. When I was at school, I was this energetic fun human being with a lot of friends to talk and hang out with, but at home, I was this depressed teenager isolated in her room writing and often crying to herself. Once I got the confidence to do so, I had a discussion with my father. It was difficult at first, but once he herd what I had to say and really thought about it he understood and gave me more freedom.

A lot of times it’s not that easy to resolve. Most toxic people in your life has to be cut loose. This is hard for most of us because we often love these people and overall care for that person. Romantic relationships, for example, are hard to let go especially when the feelings for that person is strong. I was in a relationship where, for years, we would just argue and break up. It was draining. I often felt like we were holding each other back because we weren’t good for each other. The fighting messed with me a lot mentally and sometimes even physically. My weight would fluctuate, my attitude would be bad, my thought process was often negative, and I often got sick. It was draining and I knew I couldn’t stay but I loved him. I didn’t want to hurt him even if that meant that I would be unhappy. When I did finally let go I had two completely different feeling. On one hard I felt liberated and free to be myself. On the other hand, I felt like a horrible person who hurt someone I once loved unconditionally.

I can’t sit here and tell you that once you cut off a love one that you’ll feel better because that’s not true. It’s going to hurt at first. You’re going to feel bad and I won’t be surprise if you back track a couple of times. This is normal, but once you eliminate that negative energy I can say that the future is way brighter. A lot of these people don’t support your dreams or hold you back from overall progression. When you eliminate that wall, you can do what you feel without that pressure. I remember seeing a post on Twitter and a guy said, “Why is it that females wait until she leaves a man to better her life?” It’s not that someone waits to leave their partner to make moves, sometimes that other person is holding you back. Remember this, if someone in your like isn’t supporting your dreams or being a team player overall, you should probably stay away from that person. It’s hard to do anything without the proper support. Don’t let anyone make you feel self-conscious about the moves you make, but also don’t isolate yourself without reasoning. If you care for someone talk to them about your concern before cutting them ff. give them a chance to understand. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike.