First and foremost, happy birthday! This is the day that you were brought in the world and I’ll always celebrate that. You’re the reason I’m here. I still miss you . You’re like a best friend to me . I could tell you anything without judgement. I miss that. It’s a trait that’s hard to find in people. Last year was a long year, but I made it through. I work a lot. I enjoy staying busy as you know. Like you told me before, I’m enjoying my money I make and I’m also saving . This has been my first full year I only worked One job and I’m proud of myself. I also have a new boyfriend. He’s such a great guy. You’d love him. He’s a Scorpio like me. You know I love scorpios lol. He treats me like he should, I definitely know my worth now. I know I told you before about having kids before 30 but my life journey has changed since I told you that. I’m perfectly fine with waiting til after 30. I’m 27 and I’m just discovering myself . I’m perfectly fine with that and I know you would be too. I think I might have found my life partner. He makes me see life in a different light. I’ve definitely grown since being with him. I thank God for him .
Last year was the year of forgiveness and growth. I was going through a lot mentally. I took off from school because my head wasn’t in the game. I promise you that’ll go back. I want to be focus when I do so. I like the work I do but I want more . I deserve more. I work really hard. I want to make you proud even though you always told me no matter what I do you’ll be proud . I’m coming out of my shell too. My boyfriend Djs and I manage him. When he first asked me I was nervous but after booking him I realized that I enjoyed doing that kind of work. Fashion and music have both been something I loved and I thank God I’m working in both. I also have a blog now. You know I love writing. I share my stories about me dealing with depression and I been getting great feedback. I can’t believe I could reach others and make them feel comfortable enough to tell me things that they went through. It’s a great movement. Malik was concerned at first when he saw my blog but now he embraces it. He miss you too. He grieves differently. He’s not comfortable enough with visiting you yet and I understand. He’ll get there. I know it shocks you that me and him are so close . We couldn’t stand each other lol. We have a lot of similarities and love for each other and our relationship grew because of this. Derick and I too. He’s more to himself than us but he’s opening up and I love it. I love my brothers . I haven’t seen Semaj recently but I do love him just as much as my other brothers. You have great kids . You did good. My grandmother raised me like you wanted and I thank you both for everything. I have so much more to say but I’ll save it for a later time. I love you always and I can’t wait to see you again. I’m enjoying my time down here so hopefully not soon but when God is ready I will be too ❤️
Sometimes I forget about taking care of myself. I always get caught up with helping everyone accomplish what they want out of life. I don’t expect everyone to be like how I am either. People are going to be selfish and let you put your dreams on the back burner if you let them. Not just anyone, but some of the people you’re really close to….
Yesterday I was thinking about the stuff I’ve done this year and realized that none of it truly benefited me. I been working on others’ goals and my dreams were getting lost. In the mist of this, I forgot what it was that I actually wanted to accomplish. I often forget because I want my love ones to succeed. Writing was my first love, reading being close second. It often calms me and could never do anything to hurt me. I realized today that putting them two on the back burner is why I’m never truly happy. I can’t ever express myself properly because I’m over shadowed by others hopes and dreams.
When I decided to write a few things today, I was really calm. I was in my element and I felt good about it. I remembered why I decided to blog in the first place. I wanted to express myself in a way that others, who related, would be comfortable enough to express themselves too. I often tell my peers to start something, whether it’s a business, a blog, YouTube channel etc. Have something for you created by you; something that you can make how you’ll like. Self-expression is important when trying to keep your sanity.
I love being around others. I love doing what others like and learning something new. I love seeing people get out their comfort zones and expressing themselves. It’s time I expect others to give me that same energy. We’re not working as a team if everything is one sided. I’m done settling. I’m done sitting on the sideline while others accomplish their goals. I love and support my love ones, but I have to do what’s best for me. I can’t isolate my dreams anymore. We have to support our peers as well as do what we want to be happy. It’s all about balance. Once you learn that, then you’ll gain the real happiness you’ve been seeking. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
Hey everyone! I know I been gone for a minute. I was doing a lot of reflecting and writing. I’m working on myself. What makes me feel valuable and overall, what makes me happy. When I recorded the piece below I was thinking a lot about how, for a very long time, I was lost. I was lost trying to figure out who I was, what I was into, and what I wanted to do with my life. If you asked me just 2 years ago what I wanted to do with my life I wouldn’t have had any idea. Hell, you could ask me what were my hobbies and I couldn’t tell you. I wasn’t my own person. I spent majority of my life doing what others liked. Their hobbies had became my hobbies. I was a follower and very far from becoming a leader. I can say now I’m leading more than I ever imagined. I do what I like without worrying about judgement and I don’t let others tell me what’s cool or not. I’m the person I’ve always wanted to be. Worth is something I wanted to touch on briefly because I often hear people say comments like “I’m replaceable” and “you’ll do better without me”. I use to say them too. One thing I had to learn is that everyone is unique. A company can get another person to fill your position but they won’t be you. Your ex can get someone else but they won’t do what you did. Remember you’re not replaceable like some kind of robot, others are just feeling a spot so they won’t have emptiness in their life.
Music: “Rosebuds” – Erick the Architect ( Flatbush Zombies) ; Off his Instrumental Project, “ Arcstrumentals, Vol. 2” 2018.
One of the biggest struggles I had in my life was expressing myself. I had trouble being the person I wanted to be because I worried about what others thought about me. Once I started doing the things I wanted to do, look the way I wanted to look, and Stop worrying about what the next man Thought about me, I started to know what true happiness was. Self expression is loving the person who you are. If you’re hiding something from other people that just means you’re not comfortable with who you are and you might not necessarily love yourself the way you should. I’m not just talking about just your appearance, this could be your career path or even your sexual orientation. Expressing who you are lifts a weight off your shoulder that’s been holding you back for a long time. Remember that you’re the only person that has to live your life and being true to yourself is the only thing that matters. Also, as the person from the outside looking in, be a welcoming person. Listen to your peers. Make them feel comfortable enough to express themselves to you and stop being so judgmental. Even though this is about self-expression, without your support then that person will never feel comfortable expressing themselves. Remember that no one‘s journey is alone; that at the end of all of this, this it’s a team effort to make each other happy just as well as finding your own happiness. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
We’re already four days into the New Year and I’m ready to get the ball rolling on my life. The last few weeks was a bit of a roller coaster, but I managed to make it through. I don’t believe in resolutions like most, but I do believe in setting goals for yourself. I know they seem the same, but it’s not. My goals have been the same for years. Each year I’ve gotten closer and closer to them. I don’t have a timeline on when I would like them done, but each year my grind becomes more and more resilient. I don’t just work to make sure I’m good. I work to make sure that my love ones are solid too. Everything isn’t always about you. Life is about balance.
This year isn’t anything special. Nothing about this year is any different than the last, but each New Year is clean slate. I look back at 2017, see the mistakes I’ve made, and try to learn from them. Each year I start to love myself more and more. The mistakes remind me that I’m human. We often dwell on them and let them get in our heads, but there’s nothing wrong with making mistakes. There’s nothing wrong with making a few bad decisions in the course of your life. It’s about the knowledge you gain from things. This year, like every other year, is about growth.
A few posts back I wrote about taking a leap of faith. Consider it. If you don’t take risk in life then you’ll life will always be the same. Are you really happy with the life you live now or would you like more for yourself? We often settle for what we have because it’s familiar. The life we have now is convenient and we don’t want to complicate anything. You’re complicating your life by doing nothing. The longer you stay in a routine they harder it is to break that cycle. I was talking to the girl last week about writing. She told me it was too late for her to pursue her dreams of writing books and she needs to stay working at the job she’s at. She had been there 3 years, working hard for a promotion she hasn’t gotten yet. She was 31 and had gave up on her dreams of writing books. She rather work for someone then create her own wave for herself. Honestly, I was disappointed.
Like that girl, I too have felt like I should give up on my dreams too. The old me felt like I didn’t have the time (or money) to pursue anything on my own. Even deeper than that, I didn’t have the confidence to try entrepreneurship. It took a lot of hard work and dedication to start something up for yourself. I thought it was just easier to find a company and work for them. You won’t be held accountable for any major decisions. Then I really thought about it. I was never happy working for someone else. I never liked doing the kind of work I been doing and I think I’m more valuable than these companies treat me. I was often told that I was smarter than the position I was working and people was right. You’re never too old to follow your dreams. This year dedicate your time into doing something you love. Don’t give up on your dreams because you feel old or people around you don’t support like you desire. Take that leap you’ve been wanting to for years. Change your life cycle and watch you growth. You can’t grow without planting new seeds and nourishing them. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike