First and foremost, happy birthday! This is the day that you were brought in the world and I’ll always celebrate that. You’re the reason I’m here. I still miss you . You’re like a best friend to me . I could tell you anything without judgement. I miss that. It’s a trait that’s hard to find in people. Last year was a long year, but I made it through. I work a lot. I enjoy staying busy as you know. Like you told me before, I’m enjoying my money I make and I’m also saving . This has been my first full year I only worked One job and I’m proud of myself. I also have a new boyfriend. He’s such a great guy. You’d love him. He’s a Scorpio like me. You know I love scorpios lol. He treats me like he should, I definitely know my worth now. I know I told you before about having kids before 30 but my life journey has changed since I told you that. I’m perfectly fine with waiting til after 30. I’m 27 and I’m just discovering myself . I’m perfectly fine with that and I know you would be too. I think I might have found my life partner. He makes me see life in a different light. I’ve definitely grown since being with him. I thank God for him .
Last year was the year of forgiveness and growth. I was going through a lot mentally. I took off from school because my head wasn’t in the game. I promise you that’ll go back. I want to be focus when I do so. I like the work I do but I want more . I deserve more. I work really hard. I want to make you proud even though you always told me no matter what I do you’ll be proud . I’m coming out of my shell too. My boyfriend Djs and I manage him. When he first asked me I was nervous but after booking him I realized that I enjoyed doing that kind of work. Fashion and music have both been something I loved and I thank God I’m working in both. I also have a blog now. You know I love writing. I share my stories about me dealing with depression and I been getting great feedback. I can’t believe I could reach others and make them feel comfortable enough to tell me things that they went through. It’s a great movement. Malik was concerned at first when he saw my blog but now he embraces it. He miss you too. He grieves differently. He’s not comfortable enough with visiting you yet and I understand. He’ll get there. I know it shocks you that me and him are so close . We couldn’t stand each other lol. We have a lot of similarities and love for each other and our relationship grew because of this. Derick and I too. He’s more to himself than us but he’s opening up and I love it. I love my brothers . I haven’t seen Semaj recently but I do love him just as much as my other brothers. You have great kids . You did good. My grandmother raised me like you wanted and I thank you both for everything. I have so much more to say but I’ll save it for a later time. I love you always and I can’t wait to see you again. I’m enjoying my time down here so hopefully not soon but when God is ready I will be too ❤️
Hey guys!! I recorded this piece because I wanted to let you know that it’s ok to let people go. This will be a series. I often tell people that you are who you hang out with. If you want to be a positive person, than you have to surround yourself with positive people. You can’t move forward holding on to relationships that drag you down.
I know first-hand how it is to let go of a friendship with someone that you’ve been friends with for a long time. When I was friends with her, I found myself mentally drained. For one, when she would tell me things she would do or say to others, I would often be disappointed and even disgusted in her actions. I wouldn’t do most things she was into, but I, as a friend, accepted her for who I perceived her to be. Two, I often found myself getting in arguments with people justifying her character. I believed in my heart she was a good person. I was so focused on the friend she use to be that I didn’t realized that she had changed for the worst. Once I snapped into my senses, I had to let her go. It was harder than any breakup I’ve went through but also more cleansing. It was a big weight lifted of my shoulders. I’m telling you this story so you can see that it’s not just me being judgmental. It’s me growing.
I would like to have an open discussion about this topic. Let me know what you thing and ways you handle toxic people in your life. We can agree to disagree.
Music: “Cozy in Bloom” (Album) 2018. By: Cozy Collective
If I had to recommend a couple of songs from this project it would be “Take me there” & “Dream”. Enjoy! #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
Sometimes I forget about taking care of myself. I always get caught up with helping everyone accomplish what they want out of life. I don’t expect everyone to be like how I am either. People are going to be selfish and let you put your dreams on the back burner if you let them. Not just anyone, but some of the people you’re really close to….
Yesterday I was thinking about the stuff I’ve done this year and realized that none of it truly benefited me. I been working on others’ goals and my dreams were getting lost. In the mist of this, I forgot what it was that I actually wanted to accomplish. I often forget because I want my love ones to succeed. Writing was my first love, reading being close second. It often calms me and could never do anything to hurt me. I realized today that putting them two on the back burner is why I’m never truly happy. I can’t ever express myself properly because I’m over shadowed by others hopes and dreams.
When I decided to write a few things today, I was really calm. I was in my element and I felt good about it. I remembered why I decided to blog in the first place. I wanted to express myself in a way that others, who related, would be comfortable enough to express themselves too. I often tell my peers to start something, whether it’s a business, a blog, YouTube channel etc. Have something for you created by you; something that you can make how you’ll like. Self-expression is important when trying to keep your sanity.
I love being around others. I love doing what others like and learning something new. I love seeing people get out their comfort zones and expressing themselves. It’s time I expect others to give me that same energy. We’re not working as a team if everything is one sided. I’m done settling. I’m done sitting on the sideline while others accomplish their goals. I love and support my love ones, but I have to do what’s best for me. I can’t isolate my dreams anymore. We have to support our peers as well as do what we want to be happy. It’s all about balance. Once you learn that, then you’ll gain the real happiness you’ve been seeking. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
Hey everyone! I know I been gone for a minute. I was doing a lot of reflecting and writing. I’m working on myself. What makes me feel valuable and overall, what makes me happy. When I recorded the piece below I was thinking a lot about how, for a very long time, I was lost. I was lost trying to figure out who I was, what I was into, and what I wanted to do with my life. If you asked me just 2 years ago what I wanted to do with my life I wouldn’t have had any idea. Hell, you could ask me what were my hobbies and I couldn’t tell you. I wasn’t my own person. I spent majority of my life doing what others liked. Their hobbies had became my hobbies. I was a follower and very far from becoming a leader. I can say now I’m leading more than I ever imagined. I do what I like without worrying about judgement and I don’t let others tell me what’s cool or not. I’m the person I’ve always wanted to be. Worth is something I wanted to touch on briefly because I often hear people say comments like “I’m replaceable” and “you’ll do better without me”. I use to say them too. One thing I had to learn is that everyone is unique. A company can get another person to fill your position but they won’t be you. Your ex can get someone else but they won’t do what you did. Remember you’re not replaceable like some kind of robot, others are just feeling a spot so they won’t have emptiness in their life.
Music: “Rosebuds” – Erick the Architect ( Flatbush Zombies) ; Off his Instrumental Project, “ Arcstrumentals, Vol. 2” 2018.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve came along way with my depression issues. Other days I feel like I’m exactly the same as before. I still have common traits of someone who severely suffers from Depression. My most common trait being the lack of drive to do anything. When I first started my blog, I was excited. I wanted to post every day and change lives. That drive was short lived. I come off as someone with so much ambition and confident but in all reality I have my ups and downs. I spend a lot of time thinking about isolating myself from everyone. Working on myself and growing on my own. No one understands what I go through mentally and I often feel like no one cares. I often feel like I take one step forward then something happens and knocks me two steps back. I think the fraud took a big toll on me. Mainly because I still haven’t fully bounce back from it.
I grew up in a household where my grandmother was the backbone of the family. I wanted to be just like her. She was a strong woman who everyone respected. One thing I learned about my grandma as I got older was that she wasn’t as strong as we saw her. She often had adversities but handled them on her own. She didn’t want to show a sign of weakness. I’m like her a lot when it comes to that. I would never tell you I’m struggling in any way, shape, or form. That’s not good. Sometimes you need help so you can figure out things faster. A lot of people complain when it comes to helping others, and I understand, but I view it as a positive thing. If people don’t ever need you or want you around then what’s your true purpose?
Growth requires communication. Having someone to talk to is key. A lot of us think we’re are strong enough to do things on our own. This is mainly because we’ve been forced to handle thing on our own. Isolation starts from lack of interaction from others. At a young age, kids pick and choose who they should and should not befriend. Who’s “weird” and who’s “normal”. A lot of them don’t grow out of that mind state. Which is why people fall into depression trying to make others happy and/or satisfied. Trying to buy things or go places that they can’t afford. Trying to earn money illegally because the jobs they qualify for isn’t something they would like to do. This is because of lack of growth. This is when working as a team is key. Two people from two different walks of life could be going through the same exact thing mentally. Whether you’re depressed because you’re struggling financially or depressed because you make a lot of money so you don’t know who your real friends or not, YOU’RE BOTH SUFFERING FROM THE SAME THING. We’re are more alike than we realize.
I been looking into places to have meetups and just panel discussions about different topics for different people from different walks of life to open up. Help one another by telling your story. Just because your upbringing was different doesn’t mean your mental state is. I think by constantly reminding myself that I still have time to grow and I need to associate myself with people I can open up to, will allow me to get over the hump that I’m struggling with. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike