Hey everyone! I know I been gone for a minute. I was doing a lot of reflecting and writing. I’m working on myself. What makes me feel valuable and overall, what makes me happy. When I recorded the piece below I was thinking a lot about how, for a very long time, I was lost. I was lost trying to figure out who I was, what I was into, and what I wanted to do with my life. If you asked me just 2 years ago what I wanted to do with my life I wouldn’t have had any idea. Hell, you could ask me what were my hobbies and I couldn’t tell you. I wasn’t my own person. I spent majority of my life doing what others liked. Their hobbies had became my hobbies. I was a follower and very far from becoming a leader. I can say now I’m leading more than I ever imagined. I do what I like without worrying about judgement and I don’t let others tell me what’s cool or not. I’m the person I’ve always wanted to be. Worth is something I wanted to touch on briefly because I often hear people say comments like “I’m replaceable” and “you’ll do better without me”. I use to say them too. One thing I had to learn is that everyone is unique. A company can get another person to fill your position but they won’t be you. Your ex can get someone else but they won’t do what you did. Remember you’re not replaceable like some kind of robot, others are just feeling a spot so they won’t have emptiness in their life.
Music: “Rosebuds” – Erick the Architect ( Flatbush Zombies) ; Off his Instrumental Project, “ Arcstrumentals, Vol. 2” 2018.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve came along way with my depression issues. Other days I feel like I’m exactly the same as before. I still have common traits of someone who severely suffers from Depression. My most common trait being the lack of drive to do anything. When I first started my blog, I was excited. I wanted to post every day and change lives. That drive was short lived. I come off as someone with so much ambition and confident but in all reality I have my ups and downs. I spend a lot of time thinking about isolating myself from everyone. Working on myself and growing on my own. No one understands what I go through mentally and I often feel like no one cares. I often feel like I take one step forward then something happens and knocks me two steps back. I think the fraud took a big toll on me. Mainly because I still haven’t fully bounce back from it.
I grew up in a household where my grandmother was the backbone of the family. I wanted to be just like her. She was a strong woman who everyone respected. One thing I learned about my grandma as I got older was that she wasn’t as strong as we saw her. She often had adversities but handled them on her own. She didn’t want to show a sign of weakness. I’m like her a lot when it comes to that. I would never tell you I’m struggling in any way, shape, or form. That’s not good. Sometimes you need help so you can figure out things faster. A lot of people complain when it comes to helping others, and I understand, but I view it as a positive thing. If people don’t ever need you or want you around then what’s your true purpose?
Growth requires communication. Having someone to talk to is key. A lot of us think we’re are strong enough to do things on our own. This is mainly because we’ve been forced to handle thing on our own. Isolation starts from lack of interaction from others. At a young age, kids pick and choose who they should and should not befriend. Who’s “weird” and who’s “normal”. A lot of them don’t grow out of that mind state. Which is why people fall into depression trying to make others happy and/or satisfied. Trying to buy things or go places that they can’t afford. Trying to earn money illegally because the jobs they qualify for isn’t something they would like to do. This is because of lack of growth. This is when working as a team is key. Two people from two different walks of life could be going through the same exact thing mentally. Whether you’re depressed because you’re struggling financially or depressed because you make a lot of money so you don’t know who your real friends or not, YOU’RE BOTH SUFFERING FROM THE SAME THING. We’re are more alike than we realize.
I been looking into places to have meetups and just panel discussions about different topics for different people from different walks of life to open up. Help one another by telling your story. Just because your upbringing was different doesn’t mean your mental state is. I think by constantly reminding myself that I still have time to grow and I need to associate myself with people I can open up to, will allow me to get over the hump that I’m struggling with. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
One of the biggest struggles I had in my life was expressing myself. I had trouble being the person I wanted to be because I worried about what others thought about me. Once I started doing the things I wanted to do, look the way I wanted to look, and Stop worrying about what the next man Thought about me, I started to know what true happiness was. Self expression is loving the person who you are. If you’re hiding something from other people that just means you’re not comfortable with who you are and you might not necessarily love yourself the way you should. I’m not just talking about just your appearance, this could be your career path or even your sexual orientation. Expressing who you are lifts a weight off your shoulder that’s been holding you back for a long time. Remember that you’re the only person that has to live your life and being true to yourself is the only thing that matters. Also, as the person from the outside looking in, be a welcoming person. Listen to your peers. Make them feel comfortable enough to express themselves to you and stop being so judgmental. Even though this is about self-expression, without your support then that person will never feel comfortable expressing themselves. Remember that no one‘s journey is alone; that at the end of all of this, this it’s a team effort to make each other happy just as well as finding your own happiness. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
Wow, I didn’t think posting an audio post would do so well, but it’s my best performing post yet! Growing up I wasn’t much of a talker. This was mainly because I was both shy and insecure. My gap tooth was always my biggest insecurity. I would hate reading out loud and when I did, I would mumble and stutter because of my nerves. For two years, I was put in a reading development class because they thought I struggled with reading. The teacher knew I could read she also knew I struggled with communicating with others. I was so awkward. I had trouble making friends because I was uncomfortable with talking to strangers. Most of my close friends growing up was my family.
Ironically, when I started college, I decided to major in Speech Communications. I learned a lot about public speaking and working in groups. It was life changing. I always wrote a lot so blogging was my fate I feel. I met a guy about two years ago and he asked me what I thought about radio or podcasting. I laughed. I told him I wasn’t built for anything like that. He was confused but I was very serious. I was still insecure about my public speaking abilities. The idea was cool, but I didn’t have confidence in myself to make that move.
My boyfriend and I for the longest talked about me getting a microphone. I went back and forth with the idea. It was the only way I could face my fear of speaking to others. One day I just made the purchase. Cool, but what was next? I literally stared at the box for weeks until I decided to try it out for the first time. Once I did I was mind blown. I instantly got comfortable. I didn’t know exactly what I should do with my microphone, then just two nights ago, I thought “why not record segments on your blog?” and here we are. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is one of my biggest accomplishment over the course of my life and thank you all for embracing it. Love you all and I’ll continue to use my voice to help other. If you struggle with this, you can grow out of it. Stuff takes time. I’m 27 now and I just got comfortable with the idea of networking. Let life take its course. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
We often cherish the friends we’ve had since we were kids. It’s not often we keep in touch with people that we went to grade school with. It’s almost like an accomplishment. Over the years, we’ve change physically, mentally and even spiritually. In my opinion, there’s no way you could be the same exact person you were ten years ago. While most of us mature and grow over the course of life, some of us just don’t. We all have a friend or two that comes off as the same as when we first met them (flaws and all). Now ask yourself, is that necessarily a good thing or do we just make it ok? We would argue that we knew who that person was when we met them and we shouldn’t expect them to change, BUT do that mean we are obligated to still deal with them? Here’s a short audio clip I recorded on my thoughts about these situations. Enjoy! #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike