Discovering My True Self. The Beginning.

For the last year, I been trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life. Chapter 30 is rapidly coming and I don’t feel like I did much to show for it. It makes me disappointed when I think about it. I have a thing where I compare my accomplishments with others and view myself as a failure because of it. Sounds familiar? A lot of us do it. We get on social media, look at people we grew up with or people in our age bracket and think, “what am I doing wrong??” It’s a false way to live. For one, a lot of what you see on social media isn’t real. It’s getting so bad with false reality that people start to believe their lies they tell. That’s damaging to your mental. You start to believe that your reality isn’t appealing enough to portray on social media. Therefore, so many of us end up depressed. Also, we’re all not offered the same opportunities as others. We can’t beat ourselves up for that. Life is about beating adversity and gaining from it. Without a form of adversity, life would seem dull and confusing. Adversity gives your life the plot it needs to be a complete story. I believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes you’ll never figure out what that reason is and that’s OK.

This year, I realized that it was time to live for me. For my whole adult life up until this point, I did everything based off what my family would want. I was depressed because if this. I didn’t excel in school because I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t enjoy school because I wasn’t doing anything that I cared about. I was doing what I thought would make others happy and we should never do that. I often had a job but nothing that made me happy to go to work. I dread working. To be more specific, I dread working for other people. I don’t feel like my calling in life was to work in someone else’s dream. This following year, I wanted to work on being able to make money without relying on a job. I have a blueprint of what I would like to do I just need to test it out. It’s really exciting to know that I have an escape plan in the works. I wake up almost everyday and ask myself, “What am I doing? Is this REALLY what you want to do with your life? You know you deserve more right?” then I pray for guidance. My faith has kept me strong during this journey.

What I want you to gain by reading this is belief in your ability. I want you to know that only YOU must live YOUR life. Ask yourself the following questions:
1. Are you where you want to be in life at this age (financially)?
2. Are you doing what you dreamed you’ll be doing at this age?
3. Were your goals even realistic?
4. What does your family think about you? Do you care?
5. What do you need to accomplish to make yourself happy?

These are the questions I had to ask myself before I started my blueprint. I made a goal that I plan on accomplishing. I’m not at all close to fully discovering myself, but this start has truly brought so much joy to my heart. I want more. I deserve more and I will do anything for that. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

Figuring Me Out.

Hello everyone. I am back with another update and I hope you guys listen and enjoy. I’ve been going through some life changes that I am sharing with you guys in my post and I hope this inspire all of us to do things that we want to do out of life without worrying about starting over. I had to learn that sometimes it takes you multiple times to find your niche in life. Just because you started over doesn’t mean that you’re a failure. Please provide feedback and let me know exactly what you think about this post. I plan to post a lot more now that I have some more free time. I’m in a good space mentally so I think that would help me be more consistent. Love you all and enjoy!! #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

Coming Back Really Soon…

Hello guys ! I know it’s been a while but I made a recording for you all. Just letting you know that I’ll be coming back really soon and that I’m ok. Listen and enjoy. More than that, listen and understand ❤️ #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

Song : Wu- Tang Clan “Slow Blues – Instrumental ” from Wu- Tang Meets the Indie Culture Vol. 1 Instrumentals

coming-back-soon.-1.m4a

Working on Myself & Trying to Stay Positive.

One thing I’m learning about having all this time to myself is that I’m not 100% happy with me. I’ve worked so much in life that I forgot who I am. I find it hard to find hobbies for me to do or even things to watch on TV. I’m so used to going to work and going home and relaxing. I’m not used to having time to do things to make me happy and that’s what I’m searching for now. Going to the gym is ok sometimes, when I’m not making it a mandatory thing. I need to learn how to make things fun vs making everything a chore.

Writing has always been a passion of mine. For a long time, even now, I didn’t think I was good enough to be a writer. I have disabilities to hold me back from it but I’m learning now to embrace it and have fun with it. We often don’t enjoy doing things anymore because we feel like if we’re not perfect then we shouldn’t be doing that. It wasn’t until I started taking yoga that I learned perfection is a figment of my imagination. Not giving up takes strength.

Honestly giving up is a part of the process. Sometimes we give up things just to make a full circle and start back up where we left off. Writing is something I’ve done and gave up on so many times. One big reason why is because I listen to so many opinions and take them all to heart.

Your life and everyone else’s isn’t the same and, although we should value everyone’s opinion that we care about, you shouldn’t take them all to heart . You have to start living for you! Making decisions for yourself is a part of adulthood. The decisions you make only affects you . Some cases they can affect the people around you but sometimes you have to put you above all of that I think about what makes you happy. Remember this, nine times out of 10 people are thinking about themselves when they give you an opinion on what you should do. They never actually stepping your shoes .

Right now, I’m working for me. I’m enjoying my alone time by doing things I want to do, and making decisions my way. I’m being selfish right now. I love everyone around me but I’m really loving this alone time to figure out my life. A lot of things don’t make sense to me right now ,but I don’t expect it to . I’m trying not to overthink the process and dwell on my past. I love and appreciate all the support for my love ones. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

The Life of an Unemployed Hard Worker.

It’s been three days since being laid off; Maybe four… The days just seem way longer. I’ve been working since I was 17. No long-term breaks, just vacations and mental days. It’s the weekend now and although I didn’t work on weekends, I still feel like I need to grind. The weekend doesn’t feel the same without a job. It all feels like wasted time, like I should be out here searching for something. My friends and family keep telling me to use this time to rest, but my mind won’t allow me to. My mind is constantly trying to figure things out, constantly trying to solve things. People that don’t know or understand me doesn’t know how this is affecting me. People don’t know how hard I work; how hard I grind. People see me as a woman, with no kids with potential to do great things. This may be true but right now I only see a failure.

I’m fully aware that I’m being hard on myself; It’s almost unhealthy. I just don’t like getting comfortable with being down. I try to be up as long as time will allow me to be. This transition is normal to people but for me, it feels very foreign; like my life shouldn’t be like this. As much as I try to tell myself that everything is going to be fine, it doesn’t feel like it right now. My situation is different than a lot of people that has been laid off. I actually have others that were let go with me. As bad as this sounds, it makes me feel better knowing I wasn’t alone. I know that being laid off wasn’t my fault. This also makes me sad because I often worry about the others. I know if I feel down and out then some might feel the same if not, worse. I carry too much on my shoulders and its weighing me down.

The most important part about this situation is the amount of support and compassion others have shown. I honestly think that without my love ones I would be really down. The compassion has given me motivation. You never know what being nice does for others. A friend called me yesterday to ask how I was. I usually just say “I’m good, and you?” but I wasn’t good. Sometimes you really need to tell others how you’re actually feeling so you can get the help you need. I never been the one to tell people my true thoughts and feelings. I never think people actually cared. I was wrong. You’ll be surprised how many people ACTUALLY care. I have to learn that fully. I never want to be a burden on others so I hold a lot in. That’s a toxic trait. It’s toxic towards yourself. You hurt yourself when you don’t express your feelings. I won’t even get into what that could do for your loved ones. Sometimes trying to do things on your own or holding issues in can rob you of your own happiness.

Writing is my favorite hobby. It’ll keep me busy until I find my new journey. I’m more motivated than ever to share my story. I was embarrassed at first, but now I know that others may need my story more then I need to keep it a secret. Being in a healthy mind state is being open. You can’t heal if you’re not open to help. You can’t figure out everything by yourself. This I something I’m learning daily. I hope you’re reading this and realizing that talking to your friends helps. Thank you for allowing me to be open. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike