It’s been three days since being laid off; Maybe four… The days just seem way longer. I’ve been working since I was 17. No long-term breaks, just vacations and mental days. It’s the weekend now and although I didn’t work on weekends, I still feel like I need to grind. The weekend doesn’t feel the same without a job. It all feels like wasted time, like I should be out here searching for something. My friends and family keep telling me to use this time to rest, but my mind won’t allow me to. My mind is constantly trying to figure things out, constantly trying to solve things. People that don’t know or understand me doesn’t know how this is affecting me. People don’t know how hard I work; how hard I grind. People see me as a woman, with no kids with potential to do great things. This may be true but right now I only see a failure.
I’m fully aware that I’m being hard on myself; It’s almost unhealthy. I just don’t like getting comfortable with being down. I try to be up as long as time will allow me to be. This transition is normal to people but for me, it feels very foreign; like my life shouldn’t be like this. As much as I try to tell myself that everything is going to be fine, it doesn’t feel like it right now. My situation is different than a lot of people that has been laid off. I actually have others that were let go with me. As bad as this sounds, it makes me feel better knowing I wasn’t alone. I know that being laid off wasn’t my fault. This also makes me sad because I often worry about the others. I know if I feel down and out then some might feel the same if not, worse. I carry too much on my shoulders and its weighing me down.
The most important part about this situation is the amount of support and compassion others have shown. I honestly think that without my love ones I would be really down. The compassion has given me motivation. You never know what being nice does for others. A friend called me yesterday to ask how I was. I usually just say “I’m good, and you?” but I wasn’t good. Sometimes you really need to tell others how you’re actually feeling so you can get the help you need. I never been the one to tell people my true thoughts and feelings. I never think people actually cared. I was wrong. You’ll be surprised how many people ACTUALLY care. I have to learn that fully. I never want to be a burden on others so I hold a lot in. That’s a toxic trait. It’s toxic towards yourself. You hurt yourself when you don’t express your feelings. I won’t even get into what that could do for your loved ones. Sometimes trying to do things on your own or holding issues in can rob you of your own happiness.
Writing is my favorite hobby. It’ll keep me busy until I find my new journey. I’m more motivated than ever to share my story. I was embarrassed at first, but now I know that others may need my story more then I need to keep it a secret. Being in a healthy mind state is being open. You can’t heal if you’re not open to help. You can’t figure out everything by yourself. This I something I’m learning daily. I hope you’re reading this and realizing that talking to your friends helps. Thank you for allowing me to be open. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
Hey guys!! I recorded this piece because I wanted to let you know that it’s ok to let people go. This will be a series. I often tell people that you are who you hang out with. If you want to be a positive person, than you have to surround yourself with positive people. You can’t move forward holding on to relationships that drag you down.
I know first-hand how it is to let go of a friendship with someone that you’ve been friends with for a long time. When I was friends with her, I found myself mentally drained. For one, when she would tell me things she would do or say to others, I would often be disappointed and even disgusted in her actions. I wouldn’t do most things she was into, but I, as a friend, accepted her for who I perceived her to be. Two, I often found myself getting in arguments with people justifying her character. I believed in my heart she was a good person. I was so focused on the friend she use to be that I didn’t realized that she had changed for the worst. Once I snapped into my senses, I had to let her go. It was harder than any breakup I’ve went through but also more cleansing. It was a big weight lifted of my shoulders. I’m telling you this story so you can see that it’s not just me being judgmental. It’s me growing.
I would like to have an open discussion about this topic. Let me know what you thing and ways you handle toxic people in your life. We can agree to disagree.
Music: “Cozy in Bloom” (Album) 2018. By: Cozy Collective
If I had to recommend a couple of songs from this project it would be “Take me there” & “Dream”. Enjoy! #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
I’ve been away from social media for a while so I could gather all my thoughts, to figure out my next move, and to capitalize on my visions. I’ve been working on myself; trying to tear down this wall I have up and work with my love ones. I have a lot I want to accomplish in what seems like such a small amount of time. I’m learning to not rush success. I’m learning that you can’t compare yourself to other’s success because everyone’s life journey isn’t the same. We often slip into depression because we see growth in others around us and we feel like we’re going nowhere. Our worst enemy and our biggest critic is our own thoughts. We often beat ourselves up because of mistakes we made in our pass or just overall decisions that’s not necessarily mistakes that makes who we are in the present. Basically, we’re mad about a lot of stuff we can’t go back and fix. We fail to realize that life gives many situations that can change our lives.
Life is a big scavenger hunt. We get signs and it’s our job to go find what that sign is referring to. I think the biggest misperception spiritual and religious people have is that if our higher being actually exist then why do we still struggle? After soul searching I came up with two things. One, struggle makes you the person you are today. It often humbles us and makes us who we are today. Two, no matter how many handouts you’re passed in life, if you don’t do your job of keeping up with them or capitalizing with them then you’ll struggle. How many people have you met that had everything handed to them and still messes up? It’s just in your cards to go through what you go through and everything isn’t always going to make sense
This post isn’t me telling you that you should get over yourself and not let struggle bother you, because that’s just false. It’s going to always bother you. This post is for you to know that pretty much everyone struggles with wanting everything to go right in their lives. We been taught that we’re supposed to live life a certain a way. For example, some of us were taught that we’re supposed to wait to have sex until marriage then have kids. Honestly, that often doesn’t happen but you shouldn’t feel bad about that. That’s life. That’s YOUR life. I thought that I should be finished with college by now and working in the education field but that’s not the case. I often beat myself up about it and was even embarrassed to tell people that I wasn’t finished with school. After recent soul searching, I realized that it’ll be my time when it’s supposed to me. I accept my flaws for what they are and I’m happier than I ever been. Not just with school, but with my love life as well. If you would have asked me like 5-10 years ago where I would like to be with my love life, I would have hoped to be married and possible had a child by now. Looking at what I went through the last few years I’m happy where I am now. Learn to love your progress and embrace your struggle. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
This post is simply thoughts that’s been rambling in my mind for the last few days. So I dedicate this post to myself. I know I need to practice what I preach (or write) so this post will be my constant reminder of that. This will be my constant reminder that I can’t stress about things that’s not in my hands nor can I stress about imperfection. Thank you for baring with me and understanding…
We often struggle with being expressive. We’re are scared of upsetting our peers or making any type of mistake. Some of us stress ourselves out because we don’t like to ask for help or we feel like things need to be done perfect. We’re trapped in our minds. We’re not as free as society tells us we are. According to Webster dictionary, the definition of Freedom is, “the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.” Although we may have the actually “freedom” to do everything that’s defined, we often don’t…
All my life I’ve had issues with telling people how I feel. I’m quick to think that what I have to say wouldn’t make any type of difference. Besides that, I’ve been scared to hurt someone’s feelings. It’s like I focus on everything and everyone but myself. I was trapped in this dark hole because so. I begin to isolate myself from people. Figured if I did that, than I couldn’t make any mistakes. I was wrong. I was making the biggest mistake could ever. I was making the mistake of not pleasing myself and not being honest to myself. I was a prisoner to my own brain.
This hurt me both physically and mentally. I would over eat and randomly get extremely emotional. Eventually, I would have stomach pains and migraines. This is all because I held in how I felt about things. I had writers’ block so I couldn’t write. It was meant for me to express everything verbally. I think if I could go back in time I would have done some sort of therapy. We all need to talk to someone. I had to train myself to not let peoples’ feedback upset me. We won’t always like what someone has to say, but re should respect the fact that they told us in the first place. It’s slippery I know. Slippery because people does two things: 1. they mistake expression as being offensive and 2. Some people use expression to BE offensive. Both very childish and extremely common. Whether you believe it or not, you can definitely tell the difference.
Take the time to tell a love one or any friend that they can tell you what’s on their mind without any judgement. Build that trust and overall comfort. Allow you (and yourself) freedom. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
When we go on interviews, we’re often asked, “do you work well under pressure?” of course we say yes right? Working under stress, such as meeting a project deadline for an example, can keep you on your toes. It often motivates you and keep you alert. Stress can also motivate you to prefect your craft. Playing a sport, for example, often stresses you to be better than you are so you work as hard as you can to obtain those goals. I must say a little stress isn’t necessarily bad but, like anything, too much can be too overwhelming.
We often don’t relate stress with depression but really sit and think about it. Imagine working so hard to be great at something and failing. Imagine working day in and day out at something just for others to tell you that your efforts aren’t good enough. Imagine having a project so big due that you dream about it. Imagine obsessing over your work because it’s all you do with your time. Too much stress (or chronic stress) can leave you in a major depression.
I remember days where I would work so much, stress so hard about deadlines, that I would physically get sick from it. I remember going in the restroom one time and crying my eyes out because someone told me that a project that I worked on for a week straight, that I had nightmares about when I went to sleep, was not done properly and I needed to do it all over again. Days like this I wouldn’t even eat because I was so stressed out about work. On top of all of that, I was still a student so I will have to leave work and go straight to school. I often tell people to be careful what you wish for because we tell these jobs we work well under pressure, but in all honesty, this causes us harm. Especially when you don’t have coworkers to talk to about your issues. Often I felt like I had no one to confide in because nobody understand what was stressing me at work. This was because no one worked there to understand what was an issue at my job. We often keep our work problems too ourselves because of this.
Even positive aspects in your life such as having children and getting married can make you extremely stress. Whether it’s planning an event or other people around you with different opinions clouding your thoughts, it’s all extremely stressful. Overthinking is what leads to depression. Thinking you’re not good enough or poor coping skills when things go wrong is the leading cause of depression. 1 of 4 pregnant women suffer from this. Whether it’s stress from weight issues and body changes in general to wondering if they’ll make a great parent in the first place. It’s mentally exhausting. Same with marriage. Often people stress over combined money, beliefs and just being with the same person for the rest of their lives. Most aspects of life can trigger depression. Although stress isn’t a disease, it’s often associate with high anxiety and suicidal thoughts, both popular traits of depression. We should treat and take care of ourselves. Talk to one another about our problems. Offer a helping hand. Look for another job that’s stress free. Try to avoid being in that dark place that both stress and depression can put you. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike